The Art of Keeping Arrangements
To boost your self-esteem, KEEP YOUR AGREEMENTS.
A sure way to lose friends and alienate people is to make agreements or promises that we do not keep. Failing to keep agreements with ourselves will also divert our attention and undermine our self-worth.
We all do it. I recently promised myself a new watch. I have seen what I want in a local jeweller. But I have not purchased it yet. Every time I see or walk past that jeweller, my attention is diverted. And it will continue to be so until either I make the purchase, choose to buy elsewhere or release the whole thing.
I also have a long-standing and unfulfilled agreement to meet with some old friends. Every time I think of them or even others who are associated with them, I am distracted. An unfulfilled agreement is an incompletion that will sap your energy over time. And the more incompletions you have, the less time and energy you will have for what you really want to do or be.
So why do we not keep our agreements? There could be many factors but, in general, we overcommit. We take on more than we can comfortably do, thoroughly, enjoyably, and in the time we (or others) set ourselves. And, when we fall short, down goes our self-esteem.
When, on the other hand, we complete a task, fulfill a promise, deliver on an agreement or keep our word, we boost our self-esteem. I have found that few things feel as great as the feeling I get from completing something worthwhile.
To deal with incompletions and raise your self-esteem, you can do two things. The first is to reconcile your unkept agreements, and the second is to make sure you keep future agreements. I will give some tips on the latter below.
For your homework this time, your task is to identify your personal incompletions and decide what you intend to do to complete them.
Think, for example, of all the unfulfilled agreements or promises you have made to:
(i) family, friends and significant others;
(ii) work colleagues or peers;
(iii) clients, customers or service providers;
(iv) any others not mentioned;
(v) YOURSELF
Write them down. Writing things down helps you focus and raise your self-awareness.
Include all those agreements or promises which are 2 or more weeks old. If there is a more recent agreement which should have been completed and takes up a lot of your time and attention, include that too. Also include anything you have started but not finished unless it is a project genuinely in the process of completion.
Concentrate first on the open-ended agreements where there is no specified date for completion. Then include the agreements where there was a date for completion which has now passed but you have had no communication with the other person.
Apply The Three Rs
When you have completed your list, review each item and write alongside it one of RELEASE, RENEGOTIATE or RECOMMIT. And in each case, set a date by which you will actually contact the other person, or take the action necessary to give effect to your choice, ensuring that you do it by that date.
So, what do the three Rs mean?
Release means that, provided there is no legal restraint, you release yourself from the agreement. You will of course need to contact or speak to the other person(s) involved to express your desire to be released. If the incomplete agreement is with yourself - for example, “some day I am going to clean out the garage”, then just declare it released. You can of course come back to it, that is make a new choice in the future.
Renegotiate means you want to change the agreement. It may be you just want more time but have not communicated that to the other person. In that case, agree a date for completion.
Recommit means you want to keep the agreement as made. To affirm your commitment, set a (new) date for completion. Or, better still, do it now!
Letʼs take the following example. Suppose I have agreed with a friend to contact her to play tennis. It is open-ended in that we have not set a date. If I choose to release it, I will contact her and say, words to the effect, that since the tennis has not happened, I would like to release or cancel it once and for all. If I choose to renegotiate, I might suggest meeting for a drink instead and fix a date for that there and then. Or, if I choose to keep the agreement, I will tell her I now want to fix a date to play tennis! Once we have done what we have scheduled to do, the agreement is complete!
If you do this with all of your agreements, you will free yourself from much distraction and wasted energy. And you may even open new doors of opportunity in the process.
Having done all that, here are some short tips to help you keep your agreements from now on...1. Be selective in your choices.
2. Have your own established criteria by which you will make the choice. For example, you could choose to commit only to those things that you know you can comfortably and enjoyably do, and within a specific time frame. Your criteria could also reflect your financial circumstances.3. If someone asks you to do or agree to do something, and you are not sure, SAY NO. You have that right and responsibility.4. Set or agree dates for completion. If you donʼt like deadlines and you agree, for example to have dinner with someone without immediately setting a date, give yourself a timeframe in which to do it, say within a month or two weeks.5. Write down or record the agreements that you make. Use 3x5 cards.
6. Review them regularly and check in on your progress.
7. If circumstances change, apply the three Rs.
8. Give yourself a reward, however big or small, for every agreement you keep or complete on time. This will make keeping them more important as well as increase your motivation and commitment.
By keeping your agreements, you not only gain the respect, confidence and trust of others, you also build up trust, confidence and respect for yourself. Others will like you more. You will treat yourself better. This leads to better personal and professional relationships, more energy and ultimately higher self-esteem.
And finally......Greatness is not about revolution but about evolution, those small but consistent wins in life. Richard Branson started by selling records to his schoolmates. Steve Jobs started Apple out of his garage. They started small. You may need to start small too. You do need to start.
Glenn Moore
Executive and Personal Effectiveness Coach
www.thewaterfallexperience.co.uk
Tel 0208 249 5223
2 August 2008